M A Sandry

Surviving Life beyond the Pale M A Sandry

I grew to late childhood without any positive relationship models. No one ever told me that they were proud of me or encouraged me in school. I was not taught how to succeed. I was in my early 40s before I felt like a "grownup." As a child, I had been groomed only to be promiscuous. I became promiscuous searching for a father figure. I self-medicated with drugs to deal with my loss and confusion. I did not seek counseling; I did not know that it existed for me. Only when I repeated my story over and over again did I finally hear it for myself . . . and understood. It took years.

I realized after my experiences and after delving into research by professionals, that I had a "double whammy." I was abused by my stepfather and abandoned twice by my biological father and then, my mother. It has taken years to process, to understand how that trauma affected me. Now I am finally feeling I can be in a position to help others.
I've learned that in order to be whole, forgiveness is key. After learning the full extent of the wrong done to me and the major impact it has on the brain of a developing child, I was able to forgive others who were responsible for that trauma inflicted on me. Then, as my own advocate, seeing what had governed my behavior, I could finally forgive myself for whatever I once felt personally responsible for. It's not a quick fix; there is no magic spell to cast away years of pain. I am still working on forgiveness. Every new day is an opportunity.